Because this journey is intensely personal, there will be times when my posts will be about more than just rebuilding the physical aspects of my life. They may be random and sometimes I think they may not even make sense to some. But whatever I post here will be as honest as I can make it, no punches pulled, telling it like it it. I hope that I can share some insight with others who might be going through a similar transitory period in their own lives. With luck and perseverence I know I will eventually successful in my new life. I have very high hopes for all of this but then I had those when Dave was alive, too. I am naturally a pretty optomistic person, I think.
Moving on with life
If you have been reading this blog lately, you know that I have been dealing with the death of my beloved Farmer Dave. Dave was my best friend, husband, mentor, teacher, spiritual guide, counselor , alter ego, companion, confidant, comrade, helpmate, playmate and my soul mate. He was my kindred spirit, my knight in shining armor and the heart of my heart. I miss him so fiercely that it is like there is a fire burning my soul to ashes and I am helpless to stop it.
But, stop it I must, because I know that he would want me to get back to the business of living. To do otherwise discredits the things I learned from him over the years and it dishonors him for me to be wallowing in self-pity about being alone. Because I am not alone. I carry in my heart and memory 16 years of the most incredible journey. Without him, I would never have experienced most of the things that I did over those 16 years.
I have always been amazed that he so loved me and chose me to stand beside him. Not that I feel that I was unworthy of his love, but because I was given the opportunity to be loved by someone like him. When Dave and I had only been together for about 6months, I told the Universe that if I was only allowed to have 5 years with Dave, it would like a lifetime with anyone else. The Universe chose to gift me with 16 years and I am profoundly grateful for every second of those years.
Now, I will try to focus on the future and how I plan on moving through it. You may have to indulge me once in a while, since I am sure there will be some anecdote or story I will have to tell you. Dave was involved in everything I have done of any value for the last decade and a half, so it would be hard not to include him in most of my tales. But, I will try to keep my grief to myself and to refrain from waxing poetic about the enormity of our love for each other or how perfect our relationship was/is. I say "is" because the relationship still exists and always will. Death can not remove Dave from my heart and he is in every fiber of my being. So, if you take me on, you get him, too.