About me...

Because this journey is intensely personal, there will be times when my posts will be about more than just rebuilding the physical aspects of my life. They may be random and sometimes I think they may not even make sense to some. But whatever I post here will be as honest as I can make it, no punches pulled, telling it like it it. I hope that I can share some insight with others who might be going through a similar transitory period in their own lives. With luck and perseverence I know I will eventually successful in my new life. I have very high hopes for all of this but then I had those when Dave was alive, too. I am naturally a pretty optomistic person, I think.

I think that this blog may be becoming passe.  There is no more organic farm for me to expound on and talk about how wonderful my life is.  My mother-in-law saw to that almost immediately after Dave died. I can't believe that the very people who were supposed to be my family could turn on me like that at a point where I was dealing with the most devastating blow of my life. Over 4 months later and the hurt from that is almost unbearable and I fluctuate between anger and misery at being treated so shabbily.

So, now I am living in as a virtual homeless person. Oh, I do have a roof over my head and people all around who love and support me but I have no place to call my own, not really.  And that is very depressing for someone who is and has always been, fiercely independent. Having to depend on others for everything is depressing and embarrassing but I simply have no choice. But I am so very lucky that I did have someone to turn to in my time of need that all I can feel for that is gratitude and love.  That does balance the negative energy from the other situation, but it is exhausting to be on such an emotional roller coaster. Until I can get myself together, nothing will change and so I am trying to hang on best I can.

The love of my life is no longer beside me and I am so lonely for him that some days I can hardly function.  I run on the adrenaline of the near panic that I feel at being in this situation. Everything I own jammed into a storage unit where I can find nothing.  I packed up our entire life in a haze of numbing grief and tears and now I can't recall  if I even managed to pack some things. (Many widows I have talked to have taken literally years to be able to part with things that belonged to their spouses yet I was forced into doing just that literally within the first weeks after Dave's death. I wasn't allowed the privilege of having even time to process my loss emotionally and that has taken a dire toll on my psyche.)

I know that I have to do something but the grief that I still feel at the passing of my best friend/husband is paralyzing me into non-action and I don't know what to do about it.  I spend all my waking hours trying to fill the void that his death left me with while I try to figure out what the next step I should take will be.  Some days I am jazzed about new directions I think I might take and other days getting out of bed is like dragging a 2-ton weight out with me.

Don't misunderstand this post today.  I am just venting some feelings, I guess.  I still feel hopeful for the future and I know that I will survive this.  I have had other tragedies in my life and I survived them. What doesn't kill you really does make you stronger sometimes, even though it really doesn't feel that way right now.  I have to get  back to the business of living...really living...or I am tossing away everything that Dave and I so firmly believed in. He left me with some powerful lessons about life and I just need to get to a point where I can act on those lessons again.  He wouldn't want to see me this way and I know that I have to live the best life I possibly can.  That is all he ever wanted for me and helped me to do that for 16 years.  I owe it to him and I owe it to myself.