On Saturday Nov 5th, Dave and I would have marked out 16th year of marriage and I felt pretty sad about it. But 2011 was different that 2010. It still hurts not to have him in my life, but I know that what we had was so rare and precious that to allow grief to defeat me would dishonor the gift of our life together.
I have learned a lot about grief these last 2 years and while I don't have all the answers about it, I can share what I have learned about it since Dave died.
The key to grief is to understand it, to own it, to control it, not the other way 'round. And there is no right or wrong way to grieve for someone you love. There is only your way and nobody should ever tell you when, how or why you process it. When you care about someone so deeply and when they have been such a huge part of your life, how can you put a time limit on how long you will mourn or miss them? When someone shapes the person that you are, when they are part of the very fabric of your life, they will remain as part of you forever. For some, it takes years to be able to put grief in a place where it doesn't rob you of your own life. You just do what you have to do to deal with it.
Personally, I try hard to "keep" my grief in a place where it is hard to reach because I try to keep it buried under memories of the love and happiness we shared for the 17 years we were together. Sometimes it gets the best of me and the memories are not enough to keep the sadness at bay but now it is not the soul sucking, gut wrenching feeling of despair it was even a year ago. Because I keep the memories of our life together so close, they are probably more vivid now than they have ever been and that is a good thing. Remembering is what holds me up....what gets me through the night.
“Love is a promise, love is a souvenir, once given never forgotten, never let it disappear.”
I have learned a lot about grief these last 2 years and while I don't have all the answers about it, I can share what I have learned about it since Dave died.
The key to grief is to understand it, to own it, to control it, not the other way 'round. And there is no right or wrong way to grieve for someone you love. There is only your way and nobody should ever tell you when, how or why you process it. When you care about someone so deeply and when they have been such a huge part of your life, how can you put a time limit on how long you will mourn or miss them? When someone shapes the person that you are, when they are part of the very fabric of your life, they will remain as part of you forever. For some, it takes years to be able to put grief in a place where it doesn't rob you of your own life. You just do what you have to do to deal with it.
Personally, I try hard to "keep" my grief in a place where it is hard to reach because I try to keep it buried under memories of the love and happiness we shared for the 17 years we were together. Sometimes it gets the best of me and the memories are not enough to keep the sadness at bay but now it is not the soul sucking, gut wrenching feeling of despair it was even a year ago. Because I keep the memories of our life together so close, they are probably more vivid now than they have ever been and that is a good thing. Remembering is what holds me up....what gets me through the night.
“Love is a promise, love is a souvenir, once given never forgotten, never let it disappear.”
